Friday, May 8, 2015


I have deleted previous posts, because I fucking felt like it. They weren't terribly interesting anyway.

On that note, your interest isn't really my concern. This is an outlet. It's pretty weird that I don't want to tell people my thoughts, but at the same time I want to vent somehow. Probably another page in my own little DSM.

So with that said I'd like to inform you that. whoever you are, I probably hate you a little. It's nothing personal, honestly. Hate is so easy, though. Hate really is a wonderful thing when you think about it; wars have been waged conquering entire continents, toppling empires, crushing regimes, etc. and do you think any of those things were done out of love? Nope. Hate. It's a tool, and it's very useful.

More about that later.

There are a handful of people in this world that I like. Most people I simply look on with "average hate", because that's my version of "indifferent". Whereas most people have a spectrum ranging from "hate-love" or "dislike-like", mine is really just "hate-don't hate". That's not to say I don't know how to love or something. Ugh, that sounds like something a whiny little goth kid would put in their diary; "my tortured soul knows not how to love..." *insert shitty poetry verse*

The people I've shared it with sometimes ask "why?" It's a good question; what kind of trauma does a kid have to go through so that he grows up looking at the world like that?

...hoo boy. I'll tell my little story, because really that's the point of this bullshit, but to whoever is reading this I want you to know first thing that none of this is meant to convey the idea that "oh my god I have the worst life ever!". No way, I've seen people with MUCH worse. I won't, for one second, entertain the idea that my life is near that of the worst. In some ways I've been lucky. I don't forget that, but I don't feel like it makes up for very much.

I guess I'll split this up, because it will be long, and my hand will cramp.